As per our discussion, I have composed a draft fb message to send to your friend Benjamin, (is that what we're calling him?) outlining your concerns about his hair and its implications. Please feel free to provide me with your feedback. (I can't believe you have coerced me into doing this... again).
Subject Title: I know you still don't want to be my friend. Screw you.
So you're probably sick of getting messages from me. I'm sick of sending them. However, my dear friend Tabitha pleaded with me to help her stop the cruel and destructive habit you have acquired of parting your hair to one side. She thinks souls are dying because of it. Specifically, her soul.
She didn't want to be mean, so she called upon her aggressive and offensive Canadian friend. Us Canadians always do the dirty work. Honestly, if we're not doing something for Americans we're just sitting around picking our noses.
She told me to list some type of credentials about hair in order to help persuade you, so here they are:
- I cut my bangs last night and now I have a receding hairline.
- In grade 4, I died my hair pink.
- I recently read an article on the transcendence of mind over body and have come to consider removing body hair to be representative of the ways in which we attempt to control the unruly and rebellious 'natures' of our bodies.
Hair is freaky.
Side parts are freaky.
Please stop the freaky.
Gwen (will that be my name?)